If you suffer a tragedy or a particularly painful loss (setback), people often comfort you with, “Time heals all wounds,” but I dispute that.
There are some wounds so deep, so crushing that you can never, ever be healed. In fact, from where I sit it seems that time simply passes, moving forward to put distance between us and our pain, without ever quite managing to close that wound, to heal.
You move forward, because you have no choice. Days pass, weeks go by and still the agony of such losses hits hard and fresh every single day… when you see someone who looks achingly familiar, hear a name or a particular song that pulls you back, visit a place they loved. Each and every day you see more clearly the hole left in your life, you feel the sense of loss and are sure that you can never miss someone so much. You’d give anything to turn back the clock… to set time aside.
Ten years later I still mourn… just as I did on that Friday night in February… broken, weeping and wishing for more time, one last moment… a final “I love you.” Hanging onto faith in the hope of peace and salvation and freedom from suffering. Feeling the terrible finality of separation. It literally hurt to breathe, to think, to even be in those days.
Time eventually took away the numbness, leaving the pain, dulled I suppose but never close to being healed. It’s a scar I bear proudly. In memory of someone who deserves to be mourned.
Even today, not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.
So while there have been countless routine days, many summer vacations and holiday gatherings, graduations and proms, birthdays and weekend cookouts… they’re not the same. It still hurts to be there without you. Too late we realized that you were the glue that held us all together — without you there’s no reason to see each other. We are less for having lost you.
Sadder still is that my children can barely remember you — they have missed out on so much. You live now in my memories, the stories of your life I tell, the dreams I sometimes have of you. I still miss you terribly on special occasions. I still smile when I hear you name or see something you gave me.
I know now, no matter how much time goes by, I will never, ever get over losing you. And that’s just fine.